Being Alone with my Crap
Updated: Aug 7, 2018
Being alone with our crap can be the hardest trigger of all - it is for me - because I was left alone with my pain and blamed for it during my childhood. I always have preferred finding someone who could hear me, feel me, during those times because I always felt more human, less alone afterward. That other listening human was being God's heart for me right then.
But I always had so much pain and there were few who could share it with me, so I felt lonely and alone for a very long time. But God would always come through for me; I just had to be willing to be alone to access that Energy. What a tradeoff! So lonely, but God was there for me. Always.
And then I had to let go of the self-blame I'd been carrying around for having so much pain, and the self-judgement I'd come up with for having created the pain to begin with. That self-judgement was a direct result of the adults in this life blaming me for what they did to me. Karmically, it was MY old, ancient habit.
Little did I know that my self-judgement caused the most pain of all!
And I definitely had to be alone to find that error in my thinking, that error of self-judgement. I was so mad at everyone because they left me alone. And yes, they really did. The level of pain I've been through has been noteworthy in that I knew noone else actively going through – plowing through – that depth of suffering. And it lasted decades.
And this year I've finally learned to let go of the self-judgement for having had that pain. Because of the way I interpreted the Law of Attraction, as well as how others did, I thought I had done something very bad indeed, even if in another lifetime, to be having so much pain in this one. I couldn't separate the self-blame from the LoA.
But this is the kicker. I always, eventually loved God. And I always, eventually took on the sins of the world in my pain in the sense of, I knew I was transmuting that entire level of pain for the world. I realize this is a big thing to say and yet it's true. I didn't know anyone else who was purposely transmuting pain, and I had been doing it alone for many decades.
Until last week! I'd been scouring out my soul all this time, looking for blocks to love and getting into impossible situations so God could prove Her reality to me, over and over again. Well, last week, on Saturday, February 27, 2016, in the midst of agonized prayer for help, I literally lifted up my spiritual eyes and was finally able to stop scouring!
What had happened was that I had cast down my spiritual eyes in order to scour my soul, and it so happened that that scouring was occurring in my fjrst and second chakras - for decades! And I was clearing sexual abuse in my baby self and my family's subsequent rejection of me, as well as the sufffering of the world, that part of it that came unto me. I acknowledge how BIG that may sound; nevertheless, that was my intention.
I had gotten the message from my readings (GAoG, etc.) that it was time to put all my cards on the table and fully be my true self in the world. Well, I started really getting into Twitter soon after and really said what I think politically that Saturday night. I also created a bumper sticker template that says “Illuminati, Stand Down!” with hearts and stars, as per Steve Beckow’s suggestion. This took a lot of courage but ended up being so freeing, too! Because what I was really doing was telling the part of myself that was a reflection of the cabal, “I love you, but you’re not the boss of me anymore.” And then my chakras started lifting up right after that. Amazing.
So last week I was finally able to lift up mine eyes, my soul eyes, and look UP into my heart chakra and others, literally higher than my first and second ones. And what a relief that is.
I was done scouring. I couldn't have finished any earlier. I dearly hope I never hurt anyone, in any lifetime, the way I hurt, and I still don't know if I did, but I do know that I learned to forgive myself if I did and not judge myself. Because what if I transmuted all that pain, not because I had done something terrible and "deserved" it, but because it was my soul purpose of love?
And it was, it was. I always knew I was doing this out of love; I just had to drop the idea that I deserved the pain. And the only way I could drop that horrible judgement was to forgive everybody (mostly :), especially myself.
So I'm mostly in my heart now, not scouring anymore, just returning over and over again to love. I forget consistently and am consistently again returning to love because I forgot it and did or said something with anger or whatever. It's been very humbling for someone who just wants to be an angel and constantly shows up human! The self-forgiveness machine is constantly running.
Ram Dass said basically, in answer to a question I asked him, the point is not how often you fall, it’s how often you get up! And if we get up one more time than we fall, we’ve got it made, baby!
Anyway, I am not scouring anymore, constantly looking down to see what blocks to love I can vacuum up from the cellar of my soul. I am lifting mine eyes up to God and returning, repeatedly, to love. Yay!
Ruth Virginia Barton, March 7, 2016, www.PeaceWorx.US/blog-1